I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
