I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
