I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
