guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
