Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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