Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
