I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
