If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
