...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize