quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
