you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
