I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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