I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
MIDGETS
????
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize