he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
