NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
