went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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