thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
