I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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