Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
