Umm I'm too high to move.
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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