i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
