Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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