I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Vodka?
Forever.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize