There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize