she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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