It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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