Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Come back. Shots need mouths.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
