Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
