I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize