if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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