I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
