look no pants
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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