I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
