one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
