Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
