I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Welp...herpes.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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