my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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