I'm sorry my penis didn't work
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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