I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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