This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
