She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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