there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
