Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize