I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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