are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
