since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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