haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
