Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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