Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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