I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Randomize
