You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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