two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
