My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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