i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
