When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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