if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
babies were throwing up all over the place
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
