there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
