I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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