it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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