I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
